Today=bad

Im feeling horrible today. I feel so fat and im watchin my wife and kids and its about them gaining weight and it makes me feel sooo bad... I wish i knew how to love myself for who i am and like how i look.. Saturday will be one months since ive been home and ive purged like every day since i came home but i cant tell anyone because ill be put in foster care and i cant let that happen... Im feel scared. Angry. And Nervous. :( :(

Eating disorder VS. An abusive partner

I was just thinking about when i was at Cumberland the first time and i was really upset after eating lunch and wanting to purge. Monae one of the staff was telling me how it was my eating disorder talking (i was also saying i was fat and ugly)

She compared my eating disorder as to an abusive boyfriend. At that moment it seems kind of stupid to me but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true!

My sister is in an abusive relationship and I kind of study there relationship, things he says to my sister like she's fat, ugly, and a b*tch and some other things.. an eating disorder is really like being in an abusive relationship..

THINK ABOUT IT!


~ Your eating disorder puts you down calls you names and pretty much abuses you mentally and physically. An abusive partner does the same.

~Your eating disorder basically makes it where you depend on it for support or to cope and for me i feel i cant live without it. An abusive partner does the same.

~ Your eating disorder tears you down slowly but surely makes you withdraw from your friends and family. an abusive partner does the same.

~ At the beginning of your eating disorder you think "oh its no big deal i can handle it i can Control it" but then your eating disorder ends up actually controlling you, and the things you can and can not do, the clothes you can and can not wear and of course what you can and can not eat. An abusive partner does the same.


Just some similarities think about these and i will post more soon :)

Journal entry 05-07-10

I feel as if my Bulimia is completely taking over my life. Its so hard to hang out with my friends. I feel like its a combination of i don't want to be around them and they don't want to be around me. Earlier today i felt like today was going to be a "fat day" and i wasn't going to eat well i had to so things got worse.The other night i felt as if i was "lite" so lite i could float but that all changed when i woke up this morning... I didnt eat at all on Tuesday and i felt great :). When i eat i feel as if im so heavy,sluggish, and tired, I thought you're suppose to feel that way when you don't eat? Im getting bad into counseling and i honestly scared because im not ready to stop! and im afraid they will force me to get better..
I do hate it but its more of a love/hate kinda thing like being frinemeies.

My hospital experience

I was admitted for the first time for my eating disorder August 16, 2010 at Cumberland Hospital.. I was scared at first i didnt want help i didnt want to get better but i had no choice. I felt i was being forced into treatment. I was angry at my parents, my counselors and some of the staff at first that i thought just wanted to make me fat! I did pretty well i did purge a few times and told staff when i did. On October 15, 2010 i left AMA (against medical advice) my mom came and signed me out. i was so happy because i knew i was going to go back to my old behaviors i wanted to lose every pound i gained there, i was able to lose a little before being sent back October 27, 2010. The first stay wasnt all that bad i had my own room but then got a roommate who never talked :) then all 8 girls on my unit had to move to other units which i hated.. I love all the staff on my unit and most of my peers :) But i got an awesome roommate who i knew from my other unit :)..I wost part of havin to move was i had to leave my best friend :( but soon enough we were back on our unit and soon became roommates... The day she was discharged was the worst. I didnt want anything to do with anyone i cried the whole day and was mad when a staff came in to tell me i was getting a new roommate but i liked her so it wasnt like i had to share my room with a new admit or someone i didnt like.



My second stay i was roommates with the worst person on the unit.. she was the lier the thief and the drama starter..... The day after i arrived i was waiting in line to get my vitals when my ears started to ring, i felt sick to my stomach and everything went black, i could barley see but i managed to get to the bathroom where momma Joy was and i collapsed in the floor in front of the stall, then Melissa and Monae had to come in and get my do my vitals and check my sugar,, My sugar was low so i had to eat pretzels and drink orange juice which i only drank the orange juice and a few pretzels... I had to lay out on the unit so they could watch me. Melissa woke me up to eat breakfast, i only ate a few bites then i layed back on the couch and went back to sleep. Same happened with lunch and dinner... So when i was finally allowed to go in my room i went back to sleep. I had the worst headache ever and my roommate barged into the room turned the light on and making so much unnecessary noise then she leaves the room for her diabetic protacal and leaves the light on she did this about 3 times and i was royally po'd!.... Lucky for me we got to change rooms on that Monday and i got i old room back and i had it all to myself well until the next day when we got a new admit.My new roommate was ok at first but she had this accent that just really got to me.. I know that a have a country accent but shes from the south. She also told me way too much about her personal life that i did not need to know..
That Monday when we moved rooms i nearly passed out again. Carly the nurse(one of my favs) gave me insure and i would drink it all so she made me eat cereal..
I made another really good friend who was also there for an ed and she pierced her own ear mine and some other peoples and of course we got busted and got put on sharps they had to take our Christmas tree and stockings down but we got them back up before Christmas :)...Since so many of us were on sharps we had room changes again i got stuck with a 10 year old who said she was my little sister but she was leavin in a few days so it was all good.. I really miss that little girl :(





I was able to work with my dietition and trust her with not wanting to make me gain weight because i was already at a good weight. Some days i did feel like i had gained weight and like she really was making me fat but she and some staff told me my weight has stayed stable during my stay.